Endings (Leaving)
Preparing for reentry begins when missionaries first think seriously about returning to their passport countries. Of course, everyone thinks or dreams about going “home” from time to time, but there comes a time when returning becomes a real factor in one’s life. This leaving stage begins when missionaries first seriously consider leaving and ends when they actually walk out the door on their way to the airport.
The Longest Reentry
The Israelites chaffed under the ruthlessly oppressive behavior of the Egyptians and called upon God to deliver them, but the years passed and nothing seemed to be happening. Decades passed after those prayers, but God still did not seem to be doing anything. The Israelites continued on in their familiar, but difficult, circumstances—not really seriously considering returning to their “passport country” which none of them had ever been to. However, during this time God was preparing one of their own, Moses, to lead them back (Exodus 2-4).
We can pinpoint the time when the Israelites entered the leaving stage. Moses and his brother Aaron called a meeting with the Israelite leadership. At that meeting Aaron told the leadership what God had said to Moses and performed miraculous signs right before the people. At that moment the people believed, and they bowed to worship God. They knew that God was concerned about them; they were actually going to leave (Exodus 4:29-31).
Of course, the leaving stage takes time, and during it people may face many obstacles as seen in Exodus 5.
During the next year or so Moses and Aaron, now in their 80s, did exactly what God commanded, and the already discouraged Israelites lived through the period of the plagues, averaging about one a month. The Bible (Exodus 7-12) is not always clear on how much the Israelites were affected by the plagues; however, it does say that God, beginning with the fourth plague, made a distinction between the Egyptians and the Israelites on more than half of the plagues: The Egyptians suffered, but the Israelites did not. Even though the Israelites were not directly affected by many of the plagues, it still must have been a stressful time for them.
During the last plague the Israelites had to take specific action to avoid being affected by the plague. They had to kill a lamb, put some of its blood on the sides and top of the doorframes, and eat the roasted lamb and bread made without yeast. When God saw the blood, he passed over that house without harming the firstborn within (Exodus 12:1-13).
In the next verse (v. 14), God tells them to remember this for generations to come, and the Israelites have done so for thousands of years. Closely related to this day of Passover is the sacrament of communion celebrated by Christians for nearly two thousand years.
That very night permission was granted for them to leave, so the Israelites quickly packed for their reentry. They took some of their own possessions and asked the Egyptians for items as well.
Then we read that the Israelites “journeyed from Rameses to Succoth. There were about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children” (Exodus 12:37). Although it sounds like they were at the end of the leaving stage that is not quite the case. Note that ALL of them left together, but that rarely occurs today—you just cannot get 600,000 men plus wives and children on one flight. The Israelites have yet to say goodbye to their teammates, and since they are traveling together that separation does not happen until years later.
Reentry Today
Today most people leave their teammates and other friends as they leave their host country. To do that, you need to build a RAFT as you did when you left your passport country on your way to your host country as described in Chapter 4. This link takes you back to that: RAFT. Please go back to Chapter 4 and refresh your memory on what you did at that time.
When you begin the leaving phase, you start living in “two worlds.” Of course, you are still in your host country, but thoughts of your journey home and of your passport country become more frequent. It may be a temptation to essentially “check out” of what you are doing in your host culture before you actually complete your work there. In addition, as just noted with the Israelites, things may get worse before they get better.
Finishing well
It is important to be sure that you complete whatever is left of your task in your host country in the time you have left. Such completion takes different forms depending on the nature of your task. Sometimes the form is obvious, but at other times it is not so clear
If you are a teacher, your task is to finish the semester or academic year you agreed to teach and turn in grades. Teachers may continue to meet classes but spend little time in preparation. They may receive papers or tests and just put grades on them without supplying helpful comments for the students. Finishing well means staying fully involved until everything is over; otherwise the teacher is like the student who works hard until the week before the end of the semester then does not turn in the term paper and fails the final exam.
If your task is a continuing one with your agency, such as serving as treasurer, finishing well means training your replacement for the task. Delegating your work to others is like passing a baton to the next runner in a relay race—your task is not completed until the next person is carrying the baton.
If your task is a one-time thing, such as building something, finishing well means completing what you are building—or delegating that work to others if you have not been able to complete it in the time you have, which is often the case in countries where supplies may not be readily available.
Stress
During the leaving phase stress nearly always increases. One reason for this is that more things demand your attention—you need to make preparations for your return to your passport culture. In addition, something may occur in your host culture to make completing your task more difficult, such as we saw with the Israelites in Exodus 6. They had to make just as many bricks, but with no straw supplied. Then they had about a year of being present when God sent the plagues upon the Egyptians. Many times things get worse before they get better.
Additional tasks such as filling out your agency debrief form and having an exit interview with your director take additional time. You may find that the person delegated to take over your task really has other interests, and you realize that your project may get lost in the change. You may find yourself becoming critical of your replacement and then feel guilty for being critical.
Discouragement
After seeing things get worse and experiencing the stress, people may get so discouraged that they will not even listen to God’s wonderful promises, just as the Israelites would not listen to Moses. As they delegate responsibilities to others and finish their tasks, people may find themselves left out of discussions about what will be done in the future. Although this is done because they will not be there, some people feel left out, rejected, and unappreciated so they become discouraged.
As people withdraw more and more they may become disillusioned with the whole enterprise in which they have been involved and wonder whether or not their effort was worth it all. This may develop into resentment toward other people or their agency.
Memories
God told Moses to begin a festival that would remind the people of the good things God had done for them. This time of stress and discouragement is a good time to gather things that will bring back good memories. Take some things with you that will remind you and your children of good things that have happened in your host country. These may be small objects that you carry with you, recipes for favorite national foods, recordings of favorite national music, and so forth. If you do this, when your children are asked about moving into a new home, they will be able to say, “We have our home with us. We are just looking for a house to put it in.”
In this digital age, you can carry thousands of pictures and hours of video on DVDs, CDs, and flash drives. Take pictures and video of people, places, pets, and favorite things of all kinds.
Time Orientation
The present is now viewed as somewhat temporary and the future begins to demand more attention. Rather than living primarily for today and devoting your energy to that, you begin devoting more and more of your energy to tomorrow and plan for what you will be doing then.
The further you progress in the leaving stage, the less you focus on the present and the more you focus on the future and what you will be doing then.
Spiritual Characteristics
As you enter this time of change, remember that God is the unchanging anchor of your life.
· I the Lord do not change… (Malachi 3:6).
· He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).
· Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).
· I am the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End (Revelation 22:13).
When you sense yourself being overwhelmed with the changes, make a specific point of centering your life in God’s stability.
Social Characteristics
During the leaving stage you are socially separating yourself from the people around you and disengaging from the roles you have been filling. You are closing a chapter in your life and going through ceremonies to bring closure to this period of time. People give recognition for what you have done and make presentations of token gifts that you can take home as memories.
As you loosen ties with friends and coworkers, you sense them withdrawing from you because they now see you as being a temporary person in their lives, one who will soon be leaving. As you are excluded from more and more things, you may feel less and less part of the work going on.
Psychological Characteristics
Though you may have looked forward to less responsibility as the end of your time of service neared, you may interpret what is happening as rejection and come to resent it. You no longer feel needed, but you feel more and more in the way of the action taking place.
You also begin to feel the loss of many things that have been important to you during your time in the host culture. The grieving process begins as you mourn the loss. Finally, as your colleagues take over some of the roles you have been playing, you may feel guilty for adding to their already heavy loads.
This stage is “messy” and filled with conflicting feelings. You are happy as you anticipate seeing family again but sad as you say goodbye to friends; relieved to have responsibility taken by others but anxious about what you will do when you get “home,” and so forth. All of this is normal. Everyone feels this way during the leaving stage, and your ambiguous feelings indicate that you are OK.
If you have children 6-12 years of age, you may find the first six chapters of We’re Going Home: Reentry for Elementary Children helpful. These chapters discuss home, family friends, thanks and goodbyes. They include activities for the children. I Don’t Want to Go Home: Parents Guide for Reentry for Elementary Children is written to help parents and is also available. Both of these books are available free of charge at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#going_home
If you are returning to your passport country before you had expected to so, you may have some added difficulties, so we turn to them now.
Premature Departure from the Field
Dave and Mary arrived back in their passport country with a sigh of relief. The political turmoil and threat of violence were over, and their children were safely back in school. They had planned to stay in their host country four years, but their agency required them to come home after only a year because of the danger.
Unfortunately, within a few weeks different stresses were plaguing Dave and Mary. They felt unneeded, sad, and guilty. Other people did not understand, and they really did not fit well back in their home community. Such a premature departure from the field is often much more difficult than a return at the end of a person’s commitment.
Premature departures have been occurring for thousands of years, so let us consider some in the Bible. What are reasons for leaving, who is affected, what emotions may arise, and what can people do?
Did this happen in Bible times?
This happened several times for different reasons during the first term of cross-cultural service in the book of Acts. Paul and Barnabas were commissioned to serve, and before they sailed John Mark joined to help. They served across Cyprus and then traveled to Perga, a city in what is now Turkey (Acts 13:1-13). Then the premature departures began.
· From Perga. John Mark left Perga to return to Jerusalem, the headquarters (Acts 13:13). The Bible does not say why he left, and today the official explanation would be given as “personal reasons.” He may have been homesick, tired, or any of many reasons.
· From Antioch. People from their passport country stirred up some nationals in Antioch to expel Paul and Barnabas, so they left the region because they were asked to leave (Acts 13:50-51).
· From Iconium. Again people from their passport country and nationals from Iconium were plotting to harm Paul and Barnabas, so they fled from the potential harm (Acts 14:5-6).
· From Lystra. The same two groups actually stoned Paul and left him for dead. Paul survived. He and Barnabas left Lystra the next day in the face of proven danger (Acts 14:19-20).
Cross-cultural workers have probably always had to leave their host country from time to time. They are not citizens there, so they know their time may be limited.
Why do missionaries have to leave?
In these two chapters of Acts people departed prematurely from their fields because of personal reasons, because they were expelled, because they needed to flee from potential harm or to escape a proven danger. People may leave for many other reasons, and here are some of the most frequent ones.
· Physical illness which makes them ineffective or requires treatment at home
· Psychological problems ranging from anxiety to mental illness
· Problems with children or adolescents who are unable to function in the host culture
· Political turmoil in the host country
· Financial needs which require raising funds in their passport country
· Stress and exhaustion which make staying in the host culture impossible
· Problems with aging parents unable to care for themselves or property needs
· Moral failure which prohibits effective work in the host culture
· Conflict with other cross-cultural workers which cannot be resolved
This is just a sample of the reasons people leave their host countries. The list is almost endless, but the reason for leaving has an effect on how people feel about their own leaving and how others react as well. For example, if people leave because they have illnesses that need treatment at home, they may feel quite different about it, and others may react differently than if they are caught embezzling agency funds.
What emotions occur?
The range of emotions is as varied as the reasons for leaving. Some may be very positive, at least at first. For example, if one has just returned from a stressful, dangerous, or conflict filled situation, the primary emotion is likely to be a feeling of relief. However, negative emotions are likely to occur as well. Here are some of the most common.
· Grief because of the loss of so many things such as home, friends, work, and social position
· Anger because of having so many things taken from you through no fault of your own
· Fear and anxiety because of the unexpected trauma and not knowing what will happen next
· Concern for the plight of those left behind
· Guilt because you are no longer helping the people you felt called to serve
· Shock because everything was so sudden and you have still not had time to process it all in your mind
· Shame because what you did was morally wrong and it hurt so many people among your family and friends
· Depression and discouragement because you should have known better and things seem so bleak now
· Resentment because people you believed were your friends turned on you
The list can go on and on, but, in general, people tend to have low self-esteem, believe they are misunderstood or forgotten, and feel useless.
Who is involved?
Individuals tend to feel alone and forgotten when having to leave; however, the premature departure has an effect on many other people as well.
· Families, including both the immediate family and the extended family. Spouses and children usually have to depart as well, so their lives are also disrupted. The extended family back “home” is often involved as this part of the family returns.
· Colleagues who are left on the field and have to take on new responsibilities may resent what has happened.
· Nationals with whom the missionary has been working may not be ready to fulfill their roles alone.
· Agencies which have to scramble to try to find someone to take over projects on short notice may be under severe stress.
· People back “home” who do not fully understand what has happened may feel like you have abandoned your calling.
What can missionaries do?
Missionaries who are immediately transferred to a different field face challenges because they are usually entering a new culture even if the language is the same. This is even more difficult than most times when missionaries go to new fields because they have had little time for orientation before going, and often no one is prepared to give them an on-field orientation where they go.
Missionaries who return to their passport cultures also face challenges. Reentry is often a major transition even when it is a scheduled return. Changing cultures is difficult for most people even when expected. A premature reentry is even more difficult for two reasons. First, it is often unexpected and sudden so little time is available to prepare. Second, since it is premature, other people tend to expect an “explanation.” Some are relatively easy, such as when there is obvious physical illness or dangerous political upheaval. Other explanations are difficult, such as conflict with a colleague or moral failure.
Though transfer to a different field or reentry into one’s passport culture after premature departure is more difficult, the steps are basically the same as after a scheduled one. If it was a sudden, unexpected departure, the order of the steps may have to be changed slightly.
· Face the Present. As soon as possible do whatever is necessary to bring a relatively “normal” structure to your life and the life of your family. For example, you need to immediately get temporary housing, transportation, and anything else necessary for living. If you have children, get them in school or begin home schooling to bring structure to their lives.
· Acknowledge your loss. Leaving early means that you have more losses and less time to grieve than people departing at scheduled times. Take time to grieve these losses whether this means doing it with others who have also had to leave or doing it alone if you find yourself apart from others who left. Remember that you lost your role, your ministry, your plans for the future there, and so forth.
· Close the past. Although you may be able to return after your illness is over, after the political situation is resolved, and so forth, do not count on it. You served God there as he led, and you are not able to continue at this time. You may be able to return as Paul and Barnabas did (Acts 14:21-24), or you may never be able to go back. Have someone debrief you and help you see how your premature departure fits into your life story. Then let the past go—but be ready to return if the opportunity comes again and you feel led to go.
· Move into the future. After you are functioning in the present and have closed the past, you are ready to begin planning and moving into the future. This may be anything from taking a similar position in another country, to starting a new ministry in your passport country, to returning to your host country, to pursuing higher education, to taking an entirely new course that you believe is God’s plan for you and your family.
Several books about reentry are available free of charge on www.missionarycare.com. All of these contain not only information about reentry but also thought-provoking questions that help missionaries process what is happening.
· A book for adults about preparing for reentry to be used during the last few months while still on the field at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#before_reentry (Chapters 1-4)
· A book for elementary age children to be used by them during the last few months while still on the field at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#going_home (Chapters 1-6)
· A book for the parents of elementary children that parallels the children’s book above at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#going_home (Chapters 1-6)
· A book for adults to use after returning from short-term missionary service at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#shortterm (Chapters 1-2)